Tags
Today, I told her that I forgave her for having played with my emotions. I apologized for being a psychotic, controlling, jealous freak. I told her I finally accepted and came to terms that I was completely fine and not hurt at the fact that we could be just friends, distant friends at that. I thanked her for still allowing us to be friends. She thanked me for our friendship, and said to leave our weird past behind and focus on our individual life’s now. I agreed with the most sincere emotions in all of my body. Genuine emotions, sending happiness her way. Moving on with my heart warmed and mended…
But that was hours ago, and now my emotions have changed. I feel an insant regret, and all I want is for her to be mine. I don’t want to forget our past, and I definitely do not just want to be “friends”. I want to be able to at the end of the day, message her a simple “I love you, goodnight. Wish you were here.” But instead tonight, I’ll say nothing. I’m sure she hasn’t thought about me once the way I have these past few hours as I wait for her response that made sense 8 hours ago. Now I reread it, and I should’ve kept my mouth shut.
Now, as these months have passed, and I’ve lost what I’ve lost, & gained what I’ve gained. I know, actions speak louder than words. But will I ever have a chance to to prove that? If things are meant to be, they’ll happen naturally. I can’t wrap my head around how foolish I was. What a mess I truly was and how in need of affection I became. Our mentalities were different, me being the young one, and her being older. I could see why she looked down on me, I was a fool, and she was helping me. My immature state of mind didn’t let me recognize that, instead I questioned everything she told me and overthought like no ones business. Perhaps lack of self confidence, or immature thoughts. Whatever it was, is of no importance now.
At the end of the day, she couldn’t harm a fly.. Breaking a heart has proven to be easier…